The Collected Thoughts of a Failure

this is a dump for random, stupid thoughts and for various messy explosions of my self. just me letting the noise out of my head. a page at a time. like bad post-punk haiku. or something. whatever.

2008 03 06 // 11:00

open letter to an angry, lost soul
(related correspondence is here)

kyle.

initially i had every intention of blowing this all off after i got my laughs out of your attempts to insult and frighten me, but besides wanting to try chilling you out before you cause some scene at (name deleted)'s pisces party, i kept coming back to this one thing: i, for some reason (probably because i can relate to you more than you would probably care to admit), genuinely believe that you're sincere when you say you want to do something good in the world. unfortunately, i also believe that you won't ever achieve your laudable goal without first doing a lot of growing up, a lot of working through whatever it is that makes you so spiteful and angry toward the world, and dropping the hate that seems to constantly seep out of you. the really good news, though, is that because you're still pretty much a newbie at this whole adult thing (what are you -- 25 years old? 26 maybe?) you have lots of time to sort your shit out.

to really hear what i'm saying, it's important that you try to keep in mind that nothing in this letter (and nothing i said in previous conversation with you) is meant as simple insult -- there really were no "PERSONAL ATTACKS" in what i said, simply statements of observed pattern behaviours and a disapproval of only those observed behaviours. i fail to understand how that could warrant your puerile, defensively freaked-out, over the top responses and threats. if i'm as worthless, despicable and weak as you claim, my thoughts should be meaningless to you -- they certainly can't hurt you. so stop with the simian posturing and bicep flexing and do your very best to listen as someone who's been around the block quite a few times more than you tries to help you out a little.

originally, you took great offense to me pointing out your words (and general disposition) as racist. in reflection, i've come to understand that is, in your case, perhaps an inaccurate label. i'll address that in a moment, but first let me discuss your defense.

your first response was to flatly deny making denigrating racial and gender based remarks, attempting to use your multi-ethnic genetic background as some kind of morally high-grounded evidence of your innocence. then when presented with undeniable examples from your colorful vocabulary, you admitted to the slurs but defended them as jokes. so i think we can safely cut the "who me?" bullshit here and agree that, yes, you do in fact, for whatever reason, say some pretty mean-spirited, stereotype-based, prejudicially denigrating things about people who you don't even know.

when someone like dave chappelle or south park's matt stone and trey parker make jokes based on prejudicial stereotyping, they do so in a satirical sense -- they use humor as a mirror to show us how ridiculous, ignorant and mean we are to one another in the hope that we will acknowledge and correct our misguided perceptions and behaviours. is that what you attempt to do, kyle, by casually throwing around arrogant ignorance and unfounded disdain like some real-world eric cartman? what is the satirical point, for instance, of calling (name deleted) (who, by the way, is half irish-american/half thai and not of african descent) a "jungle bunny"? what positive growth lessons are you trying to teach by insultingly calling people who, for instance, don't share a cigaret with you "jews"?

you say i'd get your "offcolor" jokes if i were a man, narrowly defined as a hammer-swinging ball-scratcher. now, by your absurdly limited definition of a man, i'm actually (and you would know this if you would once in a while bother to listen to the people you surround yourself with instead of filling every available space with inane chatter) one butch motherfucker: i've hunted and butchered animals so that my family could eat; "fished" with shotguns and dynamite; dug ditches in temperatures topping 100 degrees and in knee-high snow; built shelters with only hand tools; felled trees then split them by hand into firewood; played football, baseball, soccer and rugby on a bedrock "field" covered in gravel; brawled, drank and fucked and on and on and on. i even "had the balls" to begin this whole conversation and attempt to make my points in a public forum instead of hiding schoolyard curses and threats behind closed doors. yet i still don't find that habitually replacing the word "woman" with "bitch" or "black person" with "nigger" in casual conversation is funny. i don't think your "brotha kucinich" would find it funny, either.

and here is where i misstepped with my original definition (i told you i'd get back to this). because i can't recall you telling any jokes since i've known you but do recall you regularly using, in everyday conversation, dehumanizing labels for nearly almost everyone you encounter, i've come to understand that you're not a simple racist at all. in fact, it seems you equally resent, fear and despise all people regardless of race, gender, et cetera in a way that's somehow so ingrained that you're not even conscious of it. you certainly don't seem to have any clue how much the scorn you heap on people outside your small circle of agreeable acquaintances communicates who you are and how you see the world. where does all of this hate come from, kyle? is it related to you not getting the acceptance you desperately wanted and needed from the family that would have nothing to do with you (i can't even count the huge number of times i've heard you whine and cry about that)? does the resentment for all ethnicities stem from not being accepted as white enough or black enough or hispanic enough to gain the approval of your childhood peers?

then there is your painfully transparent obsession with your masculinity, how it compares to others' and your sickened disdain for those you don't recognize as macho enough. what is it that makes you see "hanging out in the powder room (to) chat with the girls" (a very nice position to be in, truth be told) as a bad thing? how does being trusted and welcome by all sorts of people make me less of a man? and if you hate me for not swinging my dick around to be sure everyone knows i've got one -- for being a more complex, sensitive and richly textured man than fits into your narrow mindset -- then do you harbor the same toxic resentment, for example, towards (name deleted) and (name deleted) for sometimes wearing dresses? are they disgusting, abject failures as men, too? and -- to be terribly frank -- where the hell did you get this crap? did someone beat it into your consciousness as a child while calling you a powerless little girl or something?

another prejudice of yours that's become impossible to miss (or comprehend) is your apparent sickened hate for those who suffer from mental illness or emotional injury. you honestly think that i'm somehow a bad and spiteful person for suffering through a lifetime of depression (clinically: dysthymia. coupled with a major depressive episode: double depression) and various other post-traumatic related dysfunctions. are you really so ignorant to believe that people choose this and that those who end their own lives to escape the non-stop pain and blackness are nothing more than, as you repeatedly called (name deleted) (at his funeral, his wake and, if i recall correctly, in several blog entries), "fucking cowards"? are you for-fucking-real, dude? i mean, you painfully obviously suffer from this shit as well, you know? you're not the ideal of super-human strength and perfection you'd like the world (and yourself) to believe you are -- you're seriously psychologically damaged and it shows.

being as compasionate, empathetic and gentle as possible, let me suggest that your hate for people like me and like (name deleted) stems from dealing at a young age with the terrible loss of your father to suicide and your mother to what you describe as schizophrenia. unfortunately, your strategies for coping still remain those of a child. you hate them for failing you, for abandoning you and for leaving you with no explanation. to assuage (even survive) the feelings of guilt and shame you felt as a traumatized and powerless child, you had to reduce your parents to weak, selfish cowards, an immature understanding that still controls you today. you're operating, kyle, on poorly constructed, ignorant programs that, though they kept you psychically protected as a child, have poisoned and are ruining the adult you've grown to be. it is the same process that poisoned me, that i struggle with every day, that you hate me for, and one that you, too, have to overcome.

finally, you need to know that your threats of violence don't impress me at all. what kind of sense do you think your fists could knock into me hasn't already been knocked into me while daily getting the shit kicked out of me by step-fathers much bigger and badder than you will ever be? what do you think you can teach me that the countless other fights i've been involved in throughout my life haven't already? will your stinging me prove you right, morally superior or intellectually powerful? or will it just support my previously stated concerns that you're an angry, ignorant, ashamed little boy in a (myspace)ape costume? and why do you so quickly fall back on physical intimidation as a problem solving tactic? i think both (name deleted) and i, for example, were pretty befuddled and disgusted by your raving about wanting to beat some friend ((name deleted), i think) who you once had difficulty meeting up with. if causing someone temporary physical pain is really the best you can do when life becomes difficult, then i feel really sorry and sad for you. and know this, too: if you do ever take a swing at me, the police will become involved and charges will be pressed. the assault-related restraining order that i still have to live under for the next couple of years is a minor drag for me, but i'm sure that your spending some time in lock-up will suck even harder for you.

you've still got a chance to do better, kyle, but it will take lots of hard work on your part. it would probably be very beneficial for you to enlist the help of trained therapist or counselor, perhaps even consider medication -- in best case scenarios these things help me and many others. maybe if you can stop letting your life be run by the scared, ashamed, powerless and confused little kid that you still are, you too will be trusted and respected enough to once in a while be invited into the girl's powder room. maybe worthwhile people will actually give a shit about what you have to say. maybe someday someone might actually love you. but because i don't have any interest in you as a friend, in your toxic hate or in your narrow-minded opinions, i won't be around to see it or for you to apologize to me.

best of luck in getting better.

brien.